"Too Much"

 ...what is "too much"? It's a rather innocuous question, I know, since I hear God doesn't give you more than what He knows you can handle. If that's the case than I must be the Hulk or something considering all that's happened in the (nearly) 3 years since I wrote last. 

1. In 2023, while my husband was in Louisiana completing his final pre-deployment training, I was in a really bad car accident. July 11th, to be exact. I went to the gym after the boys went to bed and on my way home, I was crossing the intersection on a green light and a kid (who had just turned 16 that day and gotten his license) made a left turn. According to him, he thought that having a green light (not an arrow) meant that I had to stop for him so HE could turn. Make that make sense. I, who was going straight, was supposed to stop MID-INTERSECTION to allow him to make his left turn.
I had no words.
When I sit and recall what happened, it's like time was flying at the speed of light while also moving infinitesimally slow. Everything happened within seconds, but it felt like hours. I had just entered the intersection when I saw a flash of head lights, and everyone can criticize me all they want but, right then someone or something gripped my shoulder, and I knew irrefutably that I needed to try and stop. So, I hit the brakes. 
I'm so thankful I listed to whatever it was that told me to stop because I'm not kidding when I say that if I hadn't, I probably wouldn't be here today. 

If I hadn't listened to whatever gut-instinct, premonition, or guardian angel that told me to hit the brakes and slow down, then the other driver would have hit me directly where I was sitting in the driver's seat. As it was, he hit me going 50 mph. I was going 42 mph. Physics says that collision happened at 92 mph. I was smart enough to put my left arm up to protect my head since, even with my arm up, my head hit the side window hard enough to knock me unconscious for a few minutes. I ended up with a mild-moderate concussion, some pretty serious bruising, and some lacerations. The worst of it was done to my neck & back, however. I now have bulging disks in my C5-6, L2-3 & 4-5. I spent a year going to treatment and ended up having bi-lateral nerve ablation. If you don't know what that is, that's when they stick a needle in your spine then use plasma and burn out the nerve endings to the disks in order to alleviate the pain. It was real fun.

Needless to say, my old car was totaled, and I had to buy a new car. RIP Ruby, you will be missed. 

2. One month later, my husband deployed for a year. Actually, more than a year if you include his pre-mobilization. 382 days. 

I learned so much about myself while he was gone. With 2 wild boys, I re-learned the definition of "crazy", which is what I went (more than a couple times). I also learned what it means to guard my Peace. I also learned to give myself Grace. 

While he was gone, I became a single parent. I was having to be a mom & a dad. I was still working full-time, I needed show up for all their extracurriculars, their school trips, their doctor's appointments. It was the hardest easy thing I have ever done. You hear so many stories of wives cheating while their husbands are away, "I just couldn't wait that long." "Someone else came along." "It was just too much". Was it hard? Absolutely. Immensely so. Was it "too hard"? Obviously not. We stayed in contact; we talked on the phone as much as we could. We sent photos back and forth. If I'm being totally honest, I think his deployment made us stronger.  When we talked, we REALLY talked.  We spoke about things which we were maybe too nervous to talk about face-to-face. We asked each other questions we otherwise wouldn't have asked. In doing so, we re-discovered what drew us together in the first place. 

3. My husband almost died. While stationed at his base in Jordan, an unmanned drone flew in under radar and dropped several bombs on everyone while they were sleeping. 3 people died, and 90+ others were injured, including my husband. My husband and the other medics were awarded Purple Hearts, Combat Medic Badges, and my husband was awarded and Army Commendation Medal with a C-Device for meritorious service while in Combat. He literally ran into a burning building to save another soldier who had broken her back. 

He and the other medics worked for 72 hours straight triaging, assisting with emergency surgery, and treating wounds all while injured themselves. My husband had third degree burns, a severe concussion, a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury), broken ribs, internal bruising, blown eardrums, and his MRI scans showed bleeding on his brain. He spent 3 weeks at another base recovering and getting treatment for his injuries before being sent back to his base for the remainder of his deployment. 

Thankfully, he came home in late 2024. Between January when he was injured and late September when he came home, I managed to pay off his truck, all our credit card debt, and save enough money to put a down-payment on a new build. 

4. I bought us a new house. By "I", I mean "we", but I did it all on my own since he wasn't here to help with the process. No more rentals, no more roommates, no more bouncing from place to place every 2 years. This place is all ours. We finally have a place to set roots and call our own. 

5. While he was gone, my own health took a turn for the worse. On top of seeking treatment for my neck/back injuries, I started facing growing issues with my reproductive health. Essentially my lady-bits began the slow, painful process of falling out. Literally. A process that culminated this year in a total hysterectomy and reconstruction of my bladder & pelvic floor. Fun stuff, right?

It's not to say that through all of this there weren't positive moments. There were. Plenty of them. Purchasing our home and paying off all our debt were big ones. Another was Jess. 

When I moved to Queen Creek the small group of friends I had made fell apart. I don't know if it was the distance or my lack of availability since my husband was gone a lot for training before he deployed... Whatever it was, it didn't last. I'm okay with that though because I took a chance on a Ladies Night meet-up for women in Queen Creek and I met Jess. We sat at opposite ends of a picnic table, someone made a comment about Zodiacs, she answered, then I answered, we both leaned back and looked at each other and had a full-on Stepbrother's moment.

 While Michael was gone, Jess was (and still is) my rock. She was my saving grace. My angel in disguise. Whenever I was an actual cunt-hair from losing my mind, she swooped in and saved me from myself. I don't think enough is said about the friendships you forge in the fires of adulthood. Everyone talks about the best friends they make when they're kids and last forever. I was never fortunate enough to have that. Mine never stood the test of time & circumstance. She did though. Man, last year probably put her through the ringer, but she stayed. I had only just met her when my car accident happened, and she was there. Then Michael deployed, and she stayed. Through all of the ups & downs, through all the chaos sent to test me & my sanity, through the impossibly hard and blessedly easy. When everyone else left or walked away, she stayed. 

Jess is a Sunflower, always with her face to the Sun. A breezy summer day, bright and constantly full of easy smiles and Joy. She is literally always on the move. 

Then came Rachel (though technically I met her before I met Jess). If Jess is Day, then Rachel is Night. Rachel is night blooming Jasmine. A black cat. Rachel is one of those rarities where life dealt her a rough hand and stayed kind despite it. Was she harder? Stronger? Certainly, but still loving & kind. She's more guarded (with good reason), more reserved, but once she lets you in there's a wealth of dry humor & sarcasm, compassion & empathy. She has a devilish grin and a twinkle in her eye like she knows something you don't and she's waiting for you to catch on.

These two women are wickedly intelligent, and the only two I want in my corner when the world goes to hell. 

Journal day: What do you like most about where you live?

 I know I skipped a week, I'm sorry. In my defense, we moved and my husband left for a month long training with his unit in California. It was a real treat unpacking, getting settled, getting the kids used to the new house and its sounds, settling into a new routine, etc... all by my lonesome. 

Anyway, on to the question: What do you like most about where you live?

I love that its not super developed yet. I love that they still hold rodeos. I love that I can cross the street from my development and take my kids to feed/pet horses. If you've never cuddled with a cow, you don't know what you're missing. I love that 10 mins from my house is a farm where I can pick all the seasonal fruit and veggies I want for under $20. I love that down the street is a giant olive grove littered with tea-lights and a small family-owned Italian restaurant that makes the very best handmade butternut squash ravioli. They also make craft olive oil that is SO much better than the stuff in the stores. I love that there isn't any of the nasty, congestive city traffic. I love that life is slower. I love that everything in this town seems to revolve around pulling families together. I love that there's hardly any crime here. I love that this town is full of people who are familiar with a hard days work. 

That this town has kept it's country roots is its crown and glory. It's not for everyone. Some people hate being too far from "civilization". Not this girl, though. This girl thrives in it. 

"and she will be free,

 like the leaves floating in the wind and the stream."

- Josh Abbot Band

    Once a month my girlfriends and I get together for brunch. To catch up and slow down, all at once. Often enough we just sit quietly, chatting about whatever comes to mind: books, life, food, kids, dating, significant others, marriage, goals, travel...you name it, we cover it. One thing we do religiously is we take turns picking a question for all of us to answer while we're there. Its goal is to get us thinking, but also to helps us all continue to get to know each other. As adults, we know that we're constantly changing and growing. Even when we think we're not. So its our way of not loosing touch with each other, of learning and reacquainting ourselves with each of us at the table.

    We had our monthly brunch this past weekend and the question was, "If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be and what would it feel like to you?" 'Feel', not 'look', nor 'be'....feel. 
The answers my friends gave were as different and diverse as they are. In the city where it's frenzied and feels like dry lightening on a summer night. On the Mediterranean, where the water is bluer than the sky and every day is a lesson in carpe diem. Deep in the woods where every breath is a blessing, and she can turn into something parents tell their children about as a lesson and a warning (surprisingly, this was not my answer -- although some days I feel that in my soul). I chose the country where the craggy mountains meet the mercurial sea, where you can taste the salt in the air and the wind can turn from a whisper to a roar. Where we live off the land, where life is a juxtaposition of easy and a demand. Where living must simultaneously be seized with both hands and savored -- slowly, and with great care.

*the pictures are not mine, they and their sources can be found on my pinterest.

Journal day: how do you feel when you're alone versus when you're with others?

    I figured I would do something a little different. A friend suggested I should do a journal day each week as a way to clear my head and settle myself, and a means for my readers to get to know me too. My questions each week are going to be completely random and I don't get to pick or choose. Well, here I goooo...

How do you feel when you're alone versus when you're with others?

Woof, this is a loaded question. I can go a reeeeaaalllyyy long time alone before I begin to want contact with other humans. If you give me a good book or two and I can go even longer. I am a tried-and-true introvert at heart and am remarkably capable of keeping myself entertained.  More often than not, I feel at peace. Not only am I an introvert at my core, I also have social anxiety and am extremely socially awkward (which just adds to my anxiety). I literally need time alone. I get overly stimulated in social situations; lights, sounds, people. Too many conversations to focus on at once while being bombarded with background music, background conversations, tv's, etc.  My anxiety is rising just talking about it. I even prefer to text over talk on the phone. Like, don't call me. I will ignore you. I get such a rush of anxiety when someone calls me, no thank you. I mean, I still "adult" and answer if it's someone I know and know it's someone I need to talk to. 

That's not to say I don't enjoy spending time with friends. I do. I think everyone needs a least little human connection. I may be an introvert at my core, but I have learned extrovert tendencies over time. So I guess I'm more of an introverted extrovert. I prefer to keep the meetings small and intimate, however. Parties and clubs just aren't my "thing". To each their own. Even when my girlfriends and I meet up for our monthly brunches, after around an hour, I break out the book I carry with me everywhere (yes, I'm that girl). I still participate in our conversations while I read though (and it may seem rude to others but my friends get me). They understand, and will even ask me question about the book I'm reading. Even then, after too long I get the sudden desire to YEET myself right on out of there *insert gif of Road Runner from old school Wile E. Coyote cartoons dipping out*. If we manage to get a little wild (ie. too many brunch mimosas) I essentially have hit my "people quota" for the week and spend that time de-stimming and avoiding others. I'm weird, what can I say? Loveable, funny, and kind but definitely weird. 

"you are always one decision away...

 ...from a totally different life."

    In my last post I briefly mentioned that I have a new job. I'm pretty excited about it. In 3 weeks I'll be starting a new position as Claim Specialist with State Farm. Its currently a hybrid schedule, so I'll only be going into the office for one week every six. That is, until I can prove my worth and promote to a position totally from home on a flex schedule where I make my own hours as long as I get the work done. You gotta start somewhere, right? I'm not afraid of hard work. 

It does mean, however, I have to change up my wardrobe a bit to include more business casual pieces. Me being me, I've put together a visual to help me stay on track (cuz lets be real, ADD is brutal). The last think I want is my brain telling me a spur-of-the-moment purchase is a great idea -- when, really, its never, never, never a great idea. Ugh, it happens way more than I care to admit. I digress, here is my inspiration.
    -- I consider it business casual meets Parisian streetwear meets dark academia. 

Gimmie all the blazers, loafers, mules, and trenches. I have a great and terrible need for cardigans and sweaters, high-waist trousers and mom jeans...and can we please talk about the Chanel tuxedo slingbacks? I would have a terrible need for those, if not for the $1,000 price tag. I wont say no to some look-alikes however! Like these from Tuckernuck for $198, or these from ASOS for $30.00

*per usual, none of these photos are mine. Thank my pinterest.

"I am mine...

 ...before I am ever anyone else's.

Its June, and halfway through the year already. I'm starting a new job in 6 weeks, my eldest's 8th birthday is coming up in 3, we move to a new house in 1. I have a lot on my plate right now...I mean a LOT. 

I feel like this month and the next is my period of new beginnings -- I mean, it essentially is. New job, new house, new everything. To preface everything and to provide a little context, at the beginning of the year I created a vision board on my pinterest for this year. I'm a very visual person, so being able to see my goals, my aspirations, and my inspirations holds more value to me than writing something down. I made a goal to finish my degree this year, to get a new job with better pay, to FINALLY have a home that's ours, to start saving for a family trip, to do more things with intent, to slow down and appreciate my time with my husband and my children more, to celebrate my mind and my body more. 

I decided to remind myself that I needed to invest more in myself before I could ever hope to give more to my husband and my children. And not in that superficial, selfish way but in a healthy "I need to fill the well before I can give to sustain and flourish" way. I spent so much time researching better skincare, better haircare, spent time looking for more flattering clothes -- because I'll be honest, I started to look and feel drab. tired. run-down. blah. No happiness, no joy, just constantly going and pushing until I felt like a stretched out rubber band. I remember waking up in the middle of the night wondering, "why?" That was what I said..."why?" Why am I pushing so hard for so little in return? Why am I stretching myself so thin? Why am I struggling so hard? Why do I feel stuck? Why is my family less? Why am I less? Why do I keep waiting for something good to happen? Why don't I have any friends? 

I decided enough is enough. I decided that I deserved more, my husband deserved more, and my children deserved more. More than what what little we've been living on. More than my fear to do more and be better. I didn't (and don't) want my children to grow up afraid to reach for more. Afraid of having doors shut in their faces, afraid to keep trying. I decided that I want my kids to see me working harder than ever -- and not for what little we were getting in return, but working harder for more. For what I know I, they, we deserve. 
So, that morning I jotted down a quick list of the things I want for myself and my family. Then I made the vision board. 

I am finding joy in every day. Sometimes its easy, and some days its a struggle. I take moments to slow down and appreciate what I have knowing it could be worse but isn't. I'm laughing more, I'm smiling more. I'm stronger mentally, emotionally, and physically. I no longer wish for more hours in the day or 

rush to get the kids in bed so I can have a moment to myself. I take the time I need so I can appreciate the time with my kids more. They're only little once, and I don't want to miss a thing. 

*as always, none of these photos are mine.