I'm still alive.

I feel horrible for not updating a while, but I have been... a hot mess. I think it was just one thing after another, after another, after another. To be honest, I'm sitting back looking at everything that's been going on in my life recently and asking "why?". Why am I stressing over school? Why is school even so important to me at the moment when there are more important things to worry about. Why do I keep pushing myself to the brink of exhaustion? Why do I work until I collapse into bed at night? Why am I not happy with the way anything is going right now? Why? Why? Why?

There was the accident, then my dad had to get a new car because the other was totalled. He only had one payment left and the insurance company refuses to make up the difference. So he only got around 12 grand for a 40 grand car and had to make up the difference on the new car out of his own pocket. Which put him back into debt by around 20-25 grand after he spent the past 5-10 years trying to get OUT of debt (which he would have been completely if the accident hadnt happened).

Then my uncle got laid off at BofA back in New Mexico because they outsourced his position (and around 600 other positions) to India after 20 years of dedicated servitude. He also has hundreds of dollars of debt he has to pay off because of this whole fucked up situation with my cousin and her ex-husband who basically beat and killed their 9 month old son, and put her and his twin in the hospital. My uncle is paying off the medical bills, funeral costs, lawyer and court fees but it adds up and he cant pay all of that and still pay a mortgage and other bills. Since he's family my dad and their other brothers are helping him out by sending money every month.

Then my car got, not one, but two flat tires at work today. I walked out after I got off and that was basically when the floodgates opened up. I cant lift the high chairs or pull/push tables together at work because of my ribs and because I host, thats what I have to do. No one helped out, I got yelled at and written up because I (nicely) asked a big, strapping, muscular man that I was seating if he could help me carry the high chair. I explained the situation and was more than happy to help, but my manager saw and pulled me off into some dark corner and "explained" to me how NOT okay that was then wrote me up. Then I saw my car and I bawled for a good 20 minutes on the curb next to my car while I waited for the guy from AAA to show up.

My life recently has not been fun, at all. I'm alive, but that's as good as it gets.