"and she will be free,

 like the leaves floating in the wind and the stream."

- Josh Abbot Band

    Once a month my girlfriends and I get together for brunch. To catch up and slow down, all at once. Often enough we just sit quietly, chatting about whatever comes to mind: books, life, food, kids, dating, significant others, marriage, goals, travel...you name it, we cover it. One thing we do religiously is we take turns picking a question for all of us to answer while we're there. Its goal is to get us thinking, but also to helps us all continue to get to know each other. As adults, we know that we're constantly changing and growing. Even when we think we're not. So its our way of not loosing touch with each other, of learning and reacquainting ourselves with each of us at the table.

    We had our monthly brunch this past weekend and the question was, "If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be and what would it feel like to you?" 'Feel', not 'look', nor 'be'....feel. 
The answers my friends gave were as different and diverse as they are. In the city where it's frenzied and feels like dry lightening on a summer night. On the Mediterranean, where the water is bluer than the sky and every day is a lesson in carpe diem. Deep in the woods where every breath is a blessing, and she can turn into something parents tell their children about as a lesson and a warning (surprisingly, this was not my answer -- although some days I feel that in my soul). I chose the country where the craggy mountains meet the mercurial sea, where you can taste the salt in the air and the wind can turn from a whisper to a roar. Where we live off the land, where life is a juxtaposition of easy and a demand. Where living must simultaneously be seized with both hands and savored -- slowly, and with great care.

*the pictures are not mine, they and their sources can be found on my pinterest.

Journal day: how do you feel when you're alone versus when you're with others?

    I figured I would do something a little different. A friend suggested I should do a journal day each week as a way to clear my head and settle myself, and a means for my readers to get to know me too. My questions each week are going to be completely random and I don't get to pick or choose. Well, here I goooo...

How do you feel when you're alone versus when you're with others?

Woof, this is a loaded question. I can go a reeeeaaalllyyy long time alone before I begin to want contact with other humans. If you give me a good book or two and I can go even longer. I am a tried-and-true introvert at heart and am remarkably capable of keeping myself entertained.  More often than not, I feel at peace. Not only am I an introvert at my core, I also have social anxiety and am extremely socially awkward (which just adds to my anxiety). I literally need time alone. I get overly stimulated in social situations; lights, sounds, people. Too many conversations to focus on at once while being bombarded with background music, background conversations, tv's, etc.  My anxiety is rising just talking about it. I even prefer to text over talk on the phone. Like, don't call me. I will ignore you. I get such a rush of anxiety when someone calls me, no thank you. I mean, I still "adult" and answer if it's someone I know and know it's someone I need to talk to. 

That's not to say I don't enjoy spending time with friends. I do. I think everyone needs a least little human connection. I may be an introvert at my core, but I have learned extrovert tendencies over time. So I guess I'm more of an introverted extrovert. I prefer to keep the meetings small and intimate, however. Parties and clubs just aren't my "thing". To each their own. Even when my girlfriends and I meet up for our monthly brunches, after around an hour, I break out the book I carry with me everywhere (yes, I'm that girl). I still participate in our conversations while I read though (and it may seem rude to others but my friends get me). They understand, and will even ask me question about the book I'm reading. Even then, after too long I get the sudden desire to YEET myself right on out of there *insert gif of Road Runner from old school Wile E. Coyote cartoons dipping out*. If we manage to get a little wild (ie. too many brunch mimosas) I essentially have hit my "people quota" for the week and spend that time de-stimming and avoiding others. I'm weird, what can I say? Loveable, funny, and kind but definitely weird. 

"you are always one decision away...

 ...from a totally different life."

    In my last post I briefly mentioned that I have a new job. I'm pretty excited about it. In 3 weeks I'll be starting a new position as Claim Specialist with State Farm. Its currently a hybrid schedule, so I'll only be going into the office for one week every six. That is, until I can prove my worth and promote to a position totally from home on a flex schedule where I make my own hours as long as I get the work done. You gotta start somewhere, right? I'm not afraid of hard work. 

It does mean, however, I have to change up my wardrobe a bit to include more business casual pieces. Me being me, I've put together a visual to help me stay on track (cuz lets be real, ADD is brutal). The last think I want is my brain telling me a spur-of-the-moment purchase is a great idea -- when, really, its never, never, never a great idea. Ugh, it happens way more than I care to admit. I digress, here is my inspiration.
    -- I consider it business casual meets Parisian streetwear meets dark academia. 

Gimmie all the blazers, loafers, mules, and trenches. I have a great and terrible need for cardigans and sweaters, high-waist trousers and mom jeans...and can we please talk about the Chanel tuxedo slingbacks? I would have a terrible need for those, if not for the $1,000 price tag. I wont say no to some look-alikes however! Like these from Tuckernuck for $198, or these from ASOS for $30.00

*per usual, none of these photos are mine. Thank my pinterest.

I am mine...

 ...before I am ever anyone else's.

Its June, and halfway through the year already. I'm starting a new job in 6 weeks, my eldest's 8th birthday is coming up in 3, we move to a new house in 1. I have a lot on my plate right now...I mean a LOT. 

I feel like this month and the next is my period of new beginnings -- I mean, it essentially is. New job, new house, new everything. To preface everything and to provide a little context, at the beginning of the year I created a vision board on my pinterest for this year. I'm a very visual person, so being able to see my goals, my aspirations, and my inspirations holds more value to me than writing something down. I made a goal to finish my degree this year, to get a new job with better pay, to FINALLY have a home that's ours, to start saving for a family trip, to do more things with intent, to slow down and appreciate my time with my husband and my children more, to celebrate my mind and my body more. 

I decided to remind myself that I needed to invest more in myself before I could ever hope to give more to my husband and my children. And not in that superficial, selfish way but in a healthy "I need to fill the well before I can give to sustain and flourish" way. I spent so much time researching better skincare, better haircare, spent time looking for more flattering clothes -- because I'll be honest, I started to look and feel drab. tired. run-down. blah. No happiness, no joy, just constantly going and pushing until I felt like a stretched out rubber band. I remember waking up in the middle of the night wondering, "why?" That was what I said..."why?" Why am I pushing so hard for so little in return? Why am I stretching myself so thin? Why am I struggling so hard? Why do I feel stuck? Why is my family less? Why am I less? Why do I keep waiting for something good to happen? Why don't I have any friends? 

I decided enough is enough. I decided that I deserved more, my husband deserved more, and my children deserved more. More than what what little we've been living on. More than my fear to do more and be better. I didn't (and don't) want my children to grow up afraid to reach for more. Afraid of having doors shut in their faces, afraid to keep trying. I decided that I want my kids to see me working harder than ever -- and not for what little we were getting in return, but working harder for more. For what I know I, they, we deserve. 
So, that morning I jotted down a quick list of the things I want for myself and my family. Then I made the vision board. 

I am finding joy in every day. Sometimes its easy, and some days its a struggle. I take moments to slow down and appreciate what I have knowing it could be worse but isn't. I'm laughing more, I'm smiling more. I'm stronger mentally, emotionally, and physically. I no longer wish for more hours in the day or 

rush to get the kids in bed so I can have a moment to myself. I take the time I need so I can appreciate the time with my kids more. They're only little once, and I don't want to miss a thing. 

*as always, none of these photos are mine.