"Too Much"

 ...what is "too much"? It's a rather innocuous question, I know, since I hear God doesn't give you more than what He knows you can handle. If that's the case than I must be the Hulk or something considering all that's happened in the (nearly) 3 years since I wrote last. 

1. In 2023, while my husband was in Louisiana completing his final pre-deployment training, I was in a really bad car accident. July 11th, to be exact. I went to the gym after the boys went to bed and on my way home, I was crossing the intersection on a green light and a kid (who had just turned 16 that day and gotten his license) made a left turn. According to him, he thought that having a green light (not an arrow) meant that I had to stop for him so HE could turn. Make that make sense. I, who was going straight, was supposed to stop MID-INTERSECTION to allow him to make his left turn.
I had no words.
When I sit and recall what happened, it's like time was flying at the speed of light while also moving infinitesimally slow. Everything happened within seconds, but it felt like hours. I had just entered the intersection when I saw a flash of head lights, and everyone can criticize me all they want but, right then someone or something gripped my shoulder, and I knew irrefutably that I needed to try and stop. So, I hit the brakes. 
I'm so thankful I listed to whatever it was that told me to stop because I'm not kidding when I say that if I hadn't, I probably wouldn't be here today. 

If I hadn't listened to whatever gut-instinct, premonition, or guardian angel that told me to hit the brakes and slow down, then the other driver would have hit me directly where I was sitting in the driver's seat. As it was, he hit me going 50 mph. I was going 42 mph. Physics says that collision happened at 92 mph. I was smart enough to put my left arm up to protect my head since, even with my arm up, my head hit the side window hard enough to knock me unconscious for a few minutes. I ended up with a mild-moderate concussion, some pretty serious bruising, and some lacerations. The worst of it was done to my neck & back, however. I now have bulging disks in my C5-6, L2-3 & 4-5. I spent a year going to treatment and ended up having bi-lateral nerve ablation. If you don't know what that is, that's when they stick a needle in your spine then use plasma and burn out the nerve endings to the disks in order to alleviate the pain. It was real fun.

Needless to say, my old car was totaled, and I had to buy a new car. RIP Ruby, you will be missed. 

2. One month later, my husband deployed for a year. Actually, more than a year if you include his pre-mobilization. 382 days. 

I learned so much about myself while he was gone. With 2 wild boys, I re-learned the definition of "crazy", which is what I went (more than a couple times). I also learned what it means to guard my Peace. I also learned to give myself Grace. 

While he was gone, I became a single parent. I was having to be a mom & a dad. I was still working full-time, I needed show up for all their extracurriculars, their school trips, their doctor's appointments. It was the hardest easy thing I have ever done. You hear so many stories of wives cheating while their husbands are away, "I just couldn't wait that long." "Someone else came along." "It was just too much". Was it hard? Absolutely. Immensely so. Was it "too hard"? Obviously not. We stayed in contact; we talked on the phone as much as we could. We sent photos back and forth. If I'm being totally honest, I think his deployment made us stronger.  When we talked, we REALLY talked.  We spoke about things which we were maybe too nervous to talk about face-to-face. We asked each other questions we otherwise wouldn't have asked. In doing so, we re-discovered what drew us together in the first place. 

3. My husband almost died. While stationed at his base in Jordan, an unmanned drone flew in under radar and dropped several bombs on everyone while they were sleeping. 3 people died, and 90+ others were injured, including my husband. My husband and the other medics were awarded Purple Hearts, Combat Medic Badges, and my husband was awarded and Army Commendation Medal with a C-Device for meritorious service while in Combat. He literally ran into a burning building to save another soldier who had broken her back. 

He and the other medics worked for 72 hours straight triaging, assisting with emergency surgery, and treating wounds all while injured themselves. My husband had third degree burns, a severe concussion, a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury), broken ribs, internal bruising, blown eardrums, and his MRI scans showed bleeding on his brain. He spent 3 weeks at another base recovering and getting treatment for his injuries before being sent back to his base for the remainder of his deployment. 

Thankfully, he came home in late 2024. Between January when he was injured and late September when he came home, I managed to pay off his truck, all our credit card debt, and save enough money to put a down-payment on a new build. 

4. I bought us a new house. By "I", I mean "we", but I did it all on my own since he wasn't here to help with the process. No more rentals, no more roommates, no more bouncing from place to place every 2 years. This place is all ours. We finally have a place to set roots and call our own. 

5. While he was gone, my own health took a turn for the worse. On top of seeking treatment for my neck/back injuries, I started facing growing issues with my reproductive health. Essentially my lady-bits began the slow, painful process of falling out. Literally. A process that culminated this year in a total hysterectomy and reconstruction of my bladder & pelvic floor. Fun stuff, right?

It's not to say that through all of this there weren't positive moments. There were. Plenty of them. Purchasing our home and paying off all our debt were big ones. Another was Jess. 

When I moved to Queen Creek the small group of friends I had made fell apart. I don't know if it was the distance or my lack of availability since my husband was gone a lot for training before he deployed... Whatever it was, it didn't last. I'm okay with that though because I took a chance on a Ladies Night meet-up for women in Queen Creek and I met Jess. We sat at opposite ends of a picnic table, someone made a comment about Zodiacs, she answered, then I answered, we both leaned back and looked at each other and had a full-on Stepbrother's moment.

 While Michael was gone, Jess was (and still is) my rock. She was my saving grace. My angel in disguise. Whenever I was an actual cunt-hair from losing my mind, she swooped in and saved me from myself. I don't think enough is said about the friendships you forge in the fires of adulthood. Everyone talks about the best friends they make when they're kids and last forever. I was never fortunate enough to have that. Mine never stood the test of time & circumstance. She did though. Man, last year probably put her through the ringer, but she stayed. I had only just met her when my car accident happened, and she was there. Then Michael deployed, and she stayed. Through all of the ups & downs, through all the chaos sent to test me & my sanity, through the impossibly hard and blessedly easy. When everyone else left or walked away, she stayed. 

Jess is a Sunflower, always with her face to the Sun. A breezy summer day, bright and constantly full of easy smiles and Joy. She is literally always on the move. 

Then came Rachel (though technically I met her before I met Jess). If Jess is Day, then Rachel is Night. Rachel is night blooming Jasmine. A black cat. Rachel is one of those rarities where life dealt her a rough hand and stayed kind despite it. Was she harder? Stronger? Certainly, but still loving & kind. She's more guarded (with good reason), more reserved, but once she lets you in there's a wealth of dry humor & sarcasm, compassion & empathy. She has a devilish grin and a twinkle in her eye like she knows something you don't and she's waiting for you to catch on.

These two women are wickedly intelligent, and the only two I want in my corner when the world goes to hell.